#2
I like this idea. I'm just not sure what to do with it. It took me about 20 minutes to write, and I like the early parts (the humor, not the writing), but I tossed a boldification in around where I think it starts losing traction. I just hammered a few lines out and stopped writing. I think there are a few ideas in there worth pursuing, but I thought most everything after the bold-line (as well as a few lines before, actually) is weak.
So:
Untitled Superman Conversation
Superman: “Hello?”
Superman: “Hey Doug. What’s up?”
Superman: “No, actually. I didn’t see.”
Superman: “Wait, what? You’re joking, right?”
Superman: “How the fuck could the line be that low?”
Superman: “It… wait, what? It moved DOWN to -500? So you’re telling me that the book thinks I’m going to lose one out of six times, and most of the money is coming on fucking BATMAN?”
Superman: “What the fuck does Batman DO anyway? I mean, what the hell are HIS superpowers? He has a grappling hook, a nice car, and an offshore bank account. I’m… I’m motherfucking SUPERMAN for Christ’s sake.”
Superman: “Yeah, I know I sound like Jerry Seinfeld, but that doesn’t make it-“
Superman: “No, Doug, I think you’re mis-…”
Superman: “I don’t give a fuck how ‘neat’ his costume looks you mo-“
Superman: “Okay, okay, I HAVE always been partial to black, but that’s really neither here nor- GODDAMMIT, Doug, shut up about the costume for a second, okay? How can I lose? That’s the question. I. Am. MOTHERFUCKINGINVINCIBLE!!!”
Superman: “No, no! No, he agreed to the ‘No Kryptonite’ rule, man. You see what I’m saying, here? Do you see what I’m SAYING here Doug?”
Superman: “Doug. Tell me you’re kidding.”
Superman: “I can’t believe you. I can NOT believe you!”
Superman: “Well, apart from the fact that we’re friends? I don’t want you to just piss your money away, because I’m, like, uh, goddamned invincible.”
Superman: “Oh, come on. Are you really throwing that in my face?”
Superman: “That was YEARS ago. And that is so different.”
Superman: “Okay, yeah. I said that Rams team was invincible, but if the game had been called like it should’ve been, we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.”
Superman: “I am NOT making an excuse, Doug. It isn’t like I didn’t lose some money on that game, too, you know.”
Superman: “Did I tell you to do that? Did I tell you to bet that money? Did I ever suggest that you should start gambling with your ki-”
Superman: “Yeah, but I just assumed you understood the realities of ga- GODDAMMIT DOUG! This is different, okay?”
Superman: “Because. Because it’s different.”
Superman: “Fine, then.”
Superman: “Whatever, Doug.”
Superman: “Okay.”
Superman: “Whatever. Okay.”
Superman: “See if I care. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
So:
Untitled Superman Conversation
Superman: “Hello?”
Superman: “Hey Doug. What’s up?”
Superman: “No, actually. I didn’t see.”
Superman: “Wait, what? You’re joking, right?”
Superman: “How the fuck could the line be that low?”
Superman: “It… wait, what? It moved DOWN to -500? So you’re telling me that the book thinks I’m going to lose one out of six times, and most of the money is coming on fucking BATMAN?”
Superman: “What the fuck does Batman DO anyway? I mean, what the hell are HIS superpowers? He has a grappling hook, a nice car, and an offshore bank account. I’m… I’m motherfucking SUPERMAN for Christ’s sake.”
Superman: “Yeah, I know I sound like Jerry Seinfeld, but that doesn’t make it-“
Superman: “No, Doug, I think you’re mis-…”
Superman: “I don’t give a fuck how ‘neat’ his costume looks you mo-“
Superman: “Okay, okay, I HAVE always been partial to black, but that’s really neither here nor- GODDAMMIT, Doug, shut up about the costume for a second, okay? How can I lose? That’s the question. I. Am. MOTHERFUCKINGINVINCIBLE!!!”
Superman: “No, no! No, he agreed to the ‘No Kryptonite’ rule, man. You see what I’m saying, here? Do you see what I’m SAYING here Doug?”
Superman: “Doug. Tell me you’re kidding.”
Superman: “I can’t believe you. I can NOT believe you!”
Superman: “Well, apart from the fact that we’re friends? I don’t want you to just piss your money away, because I’m, like, uh, goddamned invincible.”
Superman: “Oh, come on. Are you really throwing that in my face?”
Superman: “That was YEARS ago. And that is so different.”
Superman: “Okay, yeah. I said that Rams team was invincible, but if the game had been called like it should’ve been, we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.”
Superman: “I am NOT making an excuse, Doug. It isn’t like I didn’t lose some money on that game, too, you know.”
Superman: “Did I tell you to do that? Did I tell you to bet that money? Did I ever suggest that you should start gambling with your ki-”
Superman: “Yeah, but I just assumed you understood the realities of ga- GODDAMMIT DOUG! This is different, okay?”
Superman: “Because. Because it’s different.”
Superman: “Fine, then.”
Superman: “Whatever, Doug.”
Superman: “Okay.”
Superman: “Whatever. Okay.”
Superman: “See if I care. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
posted by Derek at 2:51 AM
9 Comments:
I think it's fantastic. I don't think you lose traction at all. You bring in the reader with the idea that Superman told him a lock team a few years ago, and the lock team lost. That's brilliant. Well done as always Wang
Superman as anything other than a boy scout is always fun. How can you not be a monumental prick when you can do whatever you want? Can you write a series of Superman dialogues? Obnoxious Superman, Asshole Superman, Condescending Superman.
If you think about it, Superman has a little Braggart in him. His super speed should trump his indestructability and yet if a guy points a gun at him, he just stands there with his hands on his hips and takes it in the chest. It's nothing but a show-off move since he could super speed and take the gun away from him before he gets a shot off.
Superman: "I'll use this laser beam from my eyes to burn through the metal and cause the scaffolding to fall on the bad guy."
Lois: "Why don't you just fly over there and grab him?"
Superman: "Booooring."
Yeah, I have a whole series of these imagined. Superman as a degenerate gambler. Superman can't handle his liquor. Superman beats his wife ("Now look what you made me do!"). Superman at a Gambler's Anonymous meeting. Superman can't figure out how to work a TIVO. Superman is always coming around on Friday, asking to borrow some money, and he promises to pay it back early next week, but he NEVER does, except that one time he was right about that 25-1 underdog that won on the road, and he had enough money to splash around a little bit, the inconsiderate fucking asshole.
Superman drunk in a bar, bragging:
Superman: "Dude, I could totally kick his ass with ANY of my superpowers. Any one. Just pick one, and I could totally do it, man."
Guy at Bar: "What about your X-Ray vision?"
Superman: "Dude. Cancer. Think about it."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvyiZxtlRYk
Nicely done. I CAN'T WAIT for Superman beating his wife/girlfriend. As we've stated, hitting women is as funny as antisemitism.
Dutch said...
"Nicely done. I CAN'T WAIT for Superman beating his wife/girlfriend. As we've stated, hitting women is as funny as antisemitism."
Man. What about a drunk, anti-semitic-vitriol-filled Superman at his 20th highschool reunion? He starts getting loud, his wife tries to calm him down, and then he just starts smacking her around in front of everyone...
"What? What are you gonna do? You don't talk to me! You won't talk to me that WAY! I don't get TALKED to like that! You hear?"
"Does everybody fucking hear me?!"
The possibilities are... endless...
supermans return to even more super dad who shipped him off to boarding school (earth) never to be seen again. superdad is drunk in a trailer park and they have a super wrestling match but settle down because the game is on. superman has superbeer, decides to stop fighting crime and settle down with the 'rents, becomes superwhitetrash and pathetic, eventually commiting supersuicide because his superbabymomma was fucking some other superdude.
"Man. What about a drunk, anti-semitic-vitriol-filled Superman at his 20th highschool reunion?"
Also amusing, as the creaters of Superman were Jewish.
Good stuff. I would love to see this in a comic strip.
Post a Comment
<< Home