Rejection is Good for the Soul
I decided I need to write more. I am not a very talented writer, but I enjoy doing it. I recently came to the conclusion that the reason I'm such a poor writer is that I never, ever, ever do it. So I decided to start writing some crappy short pieces, and sending them to online journals and such. They will never get published, but by doing it and getting feedback, I'm hoping to at least improve to the point that I don't absolutely hate everything I put on paper. And since the only way to get over being embarrassed by everything I write is to let people see it and mock it until my skin is so thick I don't feel at all anymore, I'll also post most of it here. Keep in mind this is a first effort in a style I'm unused to, so I realize that it's just not very good. Hopefully this will change. But probably not:
RE: YOUR CRITICISMS OF MY GRADUATION SPEECH
Dean Silverstein:
I received your letter concerning my speech at last week’s commencement ceremony, and would like to respond to your criticisms in order.
- I certainly didn’t mean for my opening to be construed at “anti-semitic vitriol” as you so colorfully termed it. Let me assure the gag with the yarmulke and the tampon (it was just strawberry jam) was completely tongue-in-cheek. Also, the crack about the “Jewish Nose” was meant to be self-effacing, though I can see how you may have misconstrued it, and until you pointed it out, I did not know that the punch line to the Ike Turner joke was a slur.
- Any similarities between my act and Gallagher’s are simply an unfortunate coincidence. After doing some research, I will admit the resemblance is quite striking. Please extend my apologies to any students in the first few rows. In my experience, most fruit usually comes right out.
- I don’t remember actually claiming to have written an episode of Law and Order, but I will take your word for it. I simply misspoke, as the episode I referred to was ostensibly based on an experience I had a few years ago. I am sure you have heard the phrase “ripped from the headlines.”
- I am sorry to hear that you did not appreciate my Latka impression, but that is beside the point. I merely thought Andy Kaufman could serve as a great example to today’s youth. Have you ever actually watched Taxi? If not, maybe that is why you didn’t like the impression?
- After reading your letter, I googled “Dwight Eisenhower” and “Margaret Thatcher,” and you were indeed correct; I was sure I had heard somewhere that they had not graduated college. I was right about Kurt Cobain, and fail to see how that example is “irrelevant.”
- Your description of the portion of my speech concerning the dangers of college sex as “an irresponsible, vulgar, misogynistic rant” was a tad harsh, don’t you agree? My use of the phrase “the ole’ poke-a-hole-in-the-condom trick” was meant to shock youngsters into appreciating the pitfalls of disingenuous women looking for a free ride.
Finally, I must point out that I posted “YOU MUST BE 21 TO DRINK” signs in plain sight- including directly over each keg- at the party I threw for students and faculty afterwards. I was disappointed to see that you could not make it. Maybe next year?
Go Bobcats!
Sincerely,
Derek Birch
RE: YOUR CRITICISMS OF MY GRADUATION SPEECH
Dean Silverstein:
I received your letter concerning my speech at last week’s commencement ceremony, and would like to respond to your criticisms in order.
- I certainly didn’t mean for my opening to be construed at “anti-semitic vitriol” as you so colorfully termed it. Let me assure the gag with the yarmulke and the tampon (it was just strawberry jam) was completely tongue-in-cheek. Also, the crack about the “Jewish Nose” was meant to be self-effacing, though I can see how you may have misconstrued it, and until you pointed it out, I did not know that the punch line to the Ike Turner joke was a slur.
- Any similarities between my act and Gallagher’s are simply an unfortunate coincidence. After doing some research, I will admit the resemblance is quite striking. Please extend my apologies to any students in the first few rows. In my experience, most fruit usually comes right out.
- I don’t remember actually claiming to have written an episode of Law and Order, but I will take your word for it. I simply misspoke, as the episode I referred to was ostensibly based on an experience I had a few years ago. I am sure you have heard the phrase “ripped from the headlines.”
- I am sorry to hear that you did not appreciate my Latka impression, but that is beside the point. I merely thought Andy Kaufman could serve as a great example to today’s youth. Have you ever actually watched Taxi? If not, maybe that is why you didn’t like the impression?
- After reading your letter, I googled “Dwight Eisenhower” and “Margaret Thatcher,” and you were indeed correct; I was sure I had heard somewhere that they had not graduated college. I was right about Kurt Cobain, and fail to see how that example is “irrelevant.”
- Your description of the portion of my speech concerning the dangers of college sex as “an irresponsible, vulgar, misogynistic rant” was a tad harsh, don’t you agree? My use of the phrase “the ole’ poke-a-hole-in-the-condom trick” was meant to shock youngsters into appreciating the pitfalls of disingenuous women looking for a free ride.
Finally, I must point out that I posted “YOU MUST BE 21 TO DRINK” signs in plain sight- including directly over each keg- at the party I threw for students and faculty afterwards. I was disappointed to see that you could not make it. Maybe next year?
Go Bobcats!
Sincerely,
Derek Birch
posted by Derek at 4:07 PM
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