Fingers of Fury

I'm a pretty fun-loving guy, but anybody who knows me understands that I'm significantly more likely to notice and comment on the negative aspects of existence than the positive ones. Even the things I take pleasure from usually involve some aspect Schadenfreude.

I've been in a grumpy mood this morning, so let's call a spade a spade. Things I fucking hate:

1) My "refrigerator." Bullshit. It's just a lame freezer. If I put a bag of lettuce in the bottom drawer, it's frozen within a few hours, no matter the setting. I swear that knob's just a decoration. Crisper, my ass. Just because produce is frozen solid doesn't mean it's crisp.

2) My microwave. I swear to God the max temperature of that thing is like 85 degrees Farenheit. How can something that uses MICROWAVE RAYS be unable to boil water? Isn't that ALL it's supposed to do? If I want to cook room-temperature sausage, I'm better off putting it in the sun for half an hour. And frozen (crisped?) foods? Don't even think about it. I tried to cook a lean-pocket a while ago. After 5 minutes, the crust was barely thawed and the filling was somehow colder than when I'd taken it out of the freezer. I don't even want to think about the physics of that. I'm considering getting an advanced degree in some natural science, just so I'd have a ground-breaking doctoral thesis sitting in my lap. It's like cold fusion, but with no practical application.

This morning I put a few pieces of thinly sliced turkey inside, and after 20 seconds the top was warm, and the bottom was cold. I finally said fuck it, and preheated my oven.

3) The unlikely combination of crazy fridge and crazy microwave could only happen to me. Just walking into the kitchen makes me sick to my stomach. One of these days something inside of me is going to snap, and I'm going to see what happens if I put the microwave in the freezer, and run them both. For some reason, I have a feeling the result would be a time machine. Then I could go back in time and buy some new fucking appliances. With my luck, I'd end up in in a time where ABC Warehouse or Sears won't be invented for 30 years. Great. Now I've got to learn to cook over an open-fire in my living room.

4) The Quiznos baby. Ever seen those commercials? With the baby that talks about grilled subs? I defer to Chris on this one: "No, I can't look at it. I can't even drink a glass of water when he's on TV." I'm not entirely sure what that means, but I think I feel the same way. If there's one thing that doesn't make me want to eat a sandwich, it's a poorly-rendered computer-generated baby that talks like he smokes a pack a day.

5) The 24-hour Dairy Mart/ gas station around the corner. First off, they close at 11PM. The 24-hour Dairy Mart closes at 11PM. Idea: CHANGE THE FUCKING NAME. Oh, and they don't take big bills. I tried buying 20 bucks worth of chips, coffee, mayonaise, and bread the other day, but the cashier snottily explained that she "couldn't have a fifty-dollar bill in the register!" Did she have enough change? Yes. But unlike every other convenience store in the country, she refused to put a fifty under the tray. Because she's a silly, silly cunt.

So now I go up there every other day and put less than 5 dollars of gas in my car, and pay with a $100.

Cashier: "I can't take this... I need a smaller bill."

Wang: "Sorry."

Cashier: "Well, you'll just have to find something else."

Wang: "I don't have anything else." (lie)

Cahsier: "I can't take this. I'll need a smaller bill."

Wang: "Sorry." (lie)

Cashier: "Well, you'll just have to find something else."

Wang: "I hate you."


Eventually she just made the change, dropped the bill into the safe, dropped 10 $5-bills from her safe-reserves,and put them into her register. So, let me get this straight: you could have done that all along, but you wasted my time and the time of everyone behind me in line with this absurd charade, because you didn't want to take 30 seconds and do your job? Well, you just made an enemy for life. Congratulations! I'm going to spend at least an hour a week making your life extremely miserable, all because you wanted to get back to the piece of Danielle Steel trash fiction face down on the counter. Guess what: the heroine and the cop end up together, have impossibly great sex, and the Medical Examiner did it.

6) The Yankees. The shit they pulled last night was ridiculous. Okay guys, game starts at 10. "Sorry, we're just not going onto the field because we have more influence than any franchise in the history of sports, and we get our way no matter what, and our organization is headed by petulant rich kids who pitch hissy fits if we don't get what we want. Also, we singlehandedly ruin the competitive balance of the sport because the idea of a level playing field is anathema, and there's nothing the sport can do about it because baseball would collapse if we didn't make the playoffs every year. So, uh, no."

7) Joe Morgan. He knows nothing about the realities of baseball. Instead of relying on things like evidence, he "trusts his gut" and refuses to believe that things like "heart," "clutch hitting," and "born winners" don't exist. Derek Jeter's not the best player ever because he's somehow able to summon some magical ability to impose his will upon the game in important situations. He's a great player because he's a great player, is always hitting with men on base, and sees great pitches in every at bat because he's consistently played with the greatest offensive lineups in the history of the game. Derek Jeter has all those rings because he plays on the Yankees, not because his mere presence in the lineup automatically gives his teammates +3 power, +2 hand-eye-concentration, and +6 magic.

Alex Rodgriguez is not a disappointing player because- despite his superior skill set- he somehow gets nervous and chokes in big situations. He's an incredible player because he hit 35 homeruns, drove in 120 runs, and got on base almost 40% of the time this year, coming off an AL MVP season. Actually, he's a better player than Jeter because he was a consistently better shortstop and has put up better offensive numbers across the board throughout their entire careers. Derek Jeter is not a better player because his teams have won more World Series than Alex Rodgriguez's. Derek Jeter's teams have won more championships because his team spends 200+million dollars a year, and can purchase the contract of one of the best hitters in baseball at the trading deadline.

So, Mr. Morgan, take a logic class, learn what the word "fallacy" means, and then- in a fit of devastating personal revelation- put your head in the microwave in my fridge, go back in time, and save us all the misery by moving to South America and raising alpaca.

8) The blatant pandering of the sports media to big markets. Every single poll on cnnsi.com or espn.com has something to do with- directly or indirectly- New York sports. "Who is the best player in baseball? (a) Derek Jeter- Yankees (b) Jason Giambi- Yankees (c) Carlos Delgado- Mets (d) Carlos Beltran- Mets (e) Jose Reyes- Mets

I understand the realities, I just want you to say it. Just say it. "We're only doing this because more people live in New York than anywhere else. That's why we're blatantly undercovering every other market. Except, maybe Los Angeles, even though they always fucking suck.

Oh, and there's a 0% chance a Notre Dame team with 2 losses that's probably the 20th best team in college football won't make a BCS bowl. I understand it. I really do. Just say it. "Everybody loves Notre Dame, so the sponsors demand we give them an at-large big to boost ratings. We're hacks, and don't give a shit about the integrity of the sport." Just say it. I blame Chris Odette on this one. He's been talking about it for the last 3 months nonstop, and I can't stop thinking about it.

9) A corollary to (8), the national sports media jumps on every good white player in every sport and dedicates an inordinate amount of time to discussing his performance. "Zbikowski! Samardzija!" Hey, guess what? Jeff Samardzija isn't even Notre Dame's NUMBER ONE WIDERECEIVER! McKnight is. McKnight is better. But he's blacker, too, so nobody even cares. Everbody talks about Tom Zbikowski's boxing career, and one writer for cnnsi called it the best sports story of the year. I guarantee there's a black guy playing basketball or football for a major college program that is a much more talented amateur or semi-professional boxer. But nobody gives a fuck. Because he's black. Again, I SO get it. Just say it. "We have to cover these white athletes because there are more white people in America than black people. White people make up a much larger portion of our viewing audience and have more money to spend. White people like white people more than they like black people, and are insecure about the generally superior performance of black athletes compared to white athletes, so we have to stroke the collective egos of our audience by placing undeserving white athletes on a pedestal. Boy, do we hate Allen Iverson and love Kirk Hinrich!"

Once again, most of this can be directly attributed to the influence of my roommate, Chris, who has been pointing these things out for the last few months ad nauseum.


Alright, I'm done for now. I think I'm going to watch highlights from the NotreDame/Michigan game and wipe my ass with a Fighting Irish towel.