What the Hell is a Jubilee, Anyway?
I was cruising around Wikipedia earlier today, trying to figure out the worldwide obsession with soccer- trying to figure out how the hell a bald guy could be the greatest European Footballer of the last half century, and how the second greatest player of all time could have a coke problem, yet need fucking Gastric Bypass Surgery only 10 years removed from his playing days- and I stumbled upon The 100 Greatest Sporting Moments, originally aired by Channel 4 in Britain, and voted upon by fans.
Here are the sports featured in British Sports Fans' Top 10 Sporting Moments. Keep in mind this is an "of all time" list. Which means "ever." Greatest Sporting Moments. Ever.
1) Olympic Rowing
2) Soccer
3) Soccer
4) Soccer
5) Cricket
6) Soccer
7) Boxing
8) Olympic Ice Dancing
9) Snooker
10) Tennis
I supposer I can fade soccer's pluralism on this list. I can appreciate it's worldwide appeal, and accept the fact that America is just behind the rest of the world on this one. I played the game for years at a relatively competitive level at a younger age, and can appreciate the splendor of the game. So, 40% soccer in the top ten? Fine. I actually expected it to be closer to twice that.
But I knew there was something incredibly wrong with my ancestors across the pond when I had to click on the hyperlink in the #1 Greatest Sporting Moment of All-Time just to figure out who the bloody hell he was. Maybe I'm alone, but I couldn't have told you who Steve Redgrave was. Turns out he rows. He won 3 gold medals in the Coxless Pair, as well as one each in the Coxed Four and the Coxless 4. Coxless pair: Sounds a little like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (Bad-um Dum Ching!)
The Wikipedia article I read about Redgrave had this to say:
"But what set Redgrave and his compatriots apart from their international bretheren was not their dominance, but their consistency. They were exceptionally talented, but so were their competitors. Redgrave's boats did not win their races easily: Most were hard fought and won by small margins."
Typical, guys. The man who you consider to have accomplished more in sport than anyone else is known NOT for dominance., but consistency. Way to keep grinding out those golds, Redgrave. But I bet if I gave a 26 year-old Ray Lewis 2 paddles, some protein shakes, and a year to train he'd beat you like a Murder rap (which is to say "much to everyone's disgust, but to my excessive glee, borne of my desire to see good things happen to bad people, and vice versa").
I'd like to comment on the inclusion of a Cricket accomplishment at #5, but even after reading a few Wikipedia articles on featured batsman (bowler? Cricketeer?) Ian Botham, I still have no idea what "Botham turns around the Ashes for England in 1981" means. Though he did score 399 runs and take 34 wickets, so he must have been doing something right. Right? Anyone?
(crickets chirping)
(Bad-um Dum Ching!)
Nos. 8 and 9 are where things just get completely out of hand. If until this point one could make the argument that this list merely reflected the eccentric nature of the British SportsFan, then any rational human being would have no choice but to throw his hands in the air and loudly declare, "Fuck It" once reaching #8. Or, as I chose to do, fire off a series of anonymous pieces of hate email to every British person I know.
Dear British Fucker:
You should be ashamed of your heritage. I wish I'd lived in your American Colonies in 1775-1783 so I could stab your Uber-GreatGrandfather in the face with a bayonet. I hope you are unable to find Vitamin C, contract Scurvy, and then get run over by one of those incredibly stupid Double Decker busses. And for Christ's Sake: BRUSH YOUR GODDAMNED TEETH.
Also, the Queen is a whore.
Slag off,
Wang
According to nutjob Brits, the 8th greatest accomplishment in the entire history of all sports, everywhere, is two chumps from Nottingham winning a a gold medal at the 1984 Winter Olympics. Jessee Owens winning 4 Golds at the Nazi Olympics? #11. Mark Spitz winning 7 Golds in '72? #38. Carl Lewis winning 4 Golds in '84? #53. Your 8th best accomplishment of all-time is not only not the best OLYMPICS sporting achievement ever, it's not even the greatest Olympics achievement in 1984!
Which brings us to #9. Somebody won a Snooker match? Are you for real? I'd be pissed if this were #100 on the list. If Snooker's a sport, I've got a 12 inch trouser snake. And one conversation with any of my unsatisfied ex-girlfriends or one night stands will disabuse anyone of the latter notion, forthwith. Snooker is as much a sport as beer pong is. Or poker for that matter. What's #21 going to be? "Ram Vaswani snaps off a Joe Beevers bluff with only King high, to win the 2002 European Poker Champiionship."
Eat a dick, England. Eat my unremarkable and unimpressive dick.
And now I'm off to burn the Union Jack while drinking a 4 pack of overpriced Boddingtons.
Wang
Here are the sports featured in British Sports Fans' Top 10 Sporting Moments. Keep in mind this is an "of all time" list. Which means "ever." Greatest Sporting Moments. Ever.
1) Olympic Rowing
2) Soccer
3) Soccer
4) Soccer
5) Cricket
6) Soccer
7) Boxing
8) Olympic Ice Dancing
9) Snooker
10) Tennis
I supposer I can fade soccer's pluralism on this list. I can appreciate it's worldwide appeal, and accept the fact that America is just behind the rest of the world on this one. I played the game for years at a relatively competitive level at a younger age, and can appreciate the splendor of the game. So, 40% soccer in the top ten? Fine. I actually expected it to be closer to twice that.
But I knew there was something incredibly wrong with my ancestors across the pond when I had to click on the hyperlink in the #1 Greatest Sporting Moment of All-Time just to figure out who the bloody hell he was. Maybe I'm alone, but I couldn't have told you who Steve Redgrave was. Turns out he rows. He won 3 gold medals in the Coxless Pair, as well as one each in the Coxed Four and the Coxless 4. Coxless pair: Sounds a little like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (Bad-um Dum Ching!)
The Wikipedia article I read about Redgrave had this to say:
"But what set Redgrave and his compatriots apart from their international bretheren was not their dominance, but their consistency. They were exceptionally talented, but so were their competitors. Redgrave's boats did not win their races easily: Most were hard fought and won by small margins."
Typical, guys. The man who you consider to have accomplished more in sport than anyone else is known NOT for dominance., but consistency. Way to keep grinding out those golds, Redgrave. But I bet if I gave a 26 year-old Ray Lewis 2 paddles, some protein shakes, and a year to train he'd beat you like a Murder rap (which is to say "much to everyone's disgust, but to my excessive glee, borne of my desire to see good things happen to bad people, and vice versa").
I'd like to comment on the inclusion of a Cricket accomplishment at #5, but even after reading a few Wikipedia articles on featured batsman (bowler? Cricketeer?) Ian Botham, I still have no idea what "Botham turns around the Ashes for England in 1981" means. Though he did score 399 runs and take 34 wickets, so he must have been doing something right. Right? Anyone?
(crickets chirping)
(Bad-um Dum Ching!)
Nos. 8 and 9 are where things just get completely out of hand. If until this point one could make the argument that this list merely reflected the eccentric nature of the British SportsFan, then any rational human being would have no choice but to throw his hands in the air and loudly declare, "Fuck It" once reaching #8. Or, as I chose to do, fire off a series of anonymous pieces of hate email to every British person I know.
Dear British Fucker:
You should be ashamed of your heritage. I wish I'd lived in your American Colonies in 1775-1783 so I could stab your Uber-GreatGrandfather in the face with a bayonet. I hope you are unable to find Vitamin C, contract Scurvy, and then get run over by one of those incredibly stupid Double Decker busses. And for Christ's Sake: BRUSH YOUR GODDAMNED TEETH.
Also, the Queen is a whore.
Slag off,
Wang
According to nutjob Brits, the 8th greatest accomplishment in the entire history of all sports, everywhere, is two chumps from Nottingham winning a a gold medal at the 1984 Winter Olympics. Jessee Owens winning 4 Golds at the Nazi Olympics? #11. Mark Spitz winning 7 Golds in '72? #38. Carl Lewis winning 4 Golds in '84? #53. Your 8th best accomplishment of all-time is not only not the best OLYMPICS sporting achievement ever, it's not even the greatest Olympics achievement in 1984!
Which brings us to #9. Somebody won a Snooker match? Are you for real? I'd be pissed if this were #100 on the list. If Snooker's a sport, I've got a 12 inch trouser snake. And one conversation with any of my unsatisfied ex-girlfriends or one night stands will disabuse anyone of the latter notion, forthwith. Snooker is as much a sport as beer pong is. Or poker for that matter. What's #21 going to be? "Ram Vaswani snaps off a Joe Beevers bluff with only King high, to win the 2002 European Poker Champiionship."
Eat a dick, England. Eat my unremarkable and unimpressive dick.
And now I'm off to burn the Union Jack while drinking a 4 pack of overpriced Boddingtons.
Wang
posted by Derek at 7:07 AM
2 Comments:
I love the British. Their government is even worse than ours, and they have a laughable sense of property rights, but I can't help but love them. There's the accent, the... well, the accent, mostly. It's SO awesome. Plus, they did give us Led Zeppelin. Although, they did cop that whole blues thing from us, and removed the "heart". That's bullshit! They think they can get away with that? That's it, the British just lost their spot atop The Dutch Factor Awesomatrix Poll. The new list:
5)Maddox
4)David Foster Wallace
3)Me
2)Kurt Vonnegut
1)Israel (and to a lesser extent, unaffiliated Jews) - in addition to almost never being able to tell the difference between Jewish and non-Jewish people, when I AM aware, the Jewish people I know are notably nicer, smarter and more pleasant then anyone else. How the hell people hate them is entirely beyond my comprehension. Anyway, Israel is bad as hell.
When I start typing I honestly have no idea where I'll end up.
To be honest, I really like English people, too. They're funnier than Americans, much more drab, dry, and cynical, and if a woman ever called me "Guv" or "Guv'na" I'd probably impregnate my zipper right there.
That being said, they're unbelieveably stupid. And different, which is pretty much the same as stupid, because I like myself so much.
Also, Jews are pretty sweet. I've only met one Jewish asshole, and he wasn't even a practicing Jew. A Roast Beef FuaxJew, if you will. I've got a decent sized schnoz and some pretty curly hair, so I can besmirch the name of the Jewish people pretty much whenever I want if I just throw in the occassional "L'Chaiym." It's my theory (and I think common knowledge/accepted fact) that people hate Jews because they're jealous. I suppose that's as good a reason as any.
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