Blogpurri/Blogpuree

A few odds and ends screamed for attention while I was drinking alone/playing poker recently, and I figured instead of fleshing out every idea over multiple entries in the next few weeks, I'd underdevelop each one in a single entry. (shrug) I thought it was a pretty easy decision.

IN TYPICAL WANG LIST FORM!

1) My blog is a critical success. Evidence follows:

a) Dutch writes...
"...and started singing the song of the workin' man. (In case you're wondering, that song is "Working Man" by the band Rush, and I really fucking hate that song.)" I love that sentence. Well done.

Thanks Dutch. I have a feeling you just really fucking hate Rush, too.

b) Renae writes...
I've been laughing at your blog all morning, Wang.Thanks!

Red-hot rapper Mike Jones says it best: 'Back then hoes didn't want me, now I'm hot hoes all on me."

c) An Ex-Girlfriend, Whose Anonimity I'll Do Her the Favor of Protecting writes...
i like your blog, its really funny

I'm sure you're asking yourself, "Derek, how did you get involved with a woman who's got such a poor grasp of commas, clauses, and won't use a semicolon even when it's daring her?"

Answer? She pretended I was funny for the first 3 months. That snagged her 8x that time in "Wang Love." In the interest of full disclosure, she's on record as being seriously, seriously disappointed with the (her words begin here): "quote 'Wang Love' end quote." In the interest of further disclosure, she definitely did the little fingerbunnyears thing when she said "quote" and "endquote." In the interest of FURTHEST AND MAXIMUM disclosure, she probably said "unquote" instead of "endquote." I'm one of the few people on the planet that insists on the technically INcorrect "endquote." So. To recap in order to make sure we're completely aboveboard:

I'm a poor lover prone to unwarranted bravado, and I have a slight OCD problem that manifests itself vis a vis the verbalization of the end set of a pair of quotation marks.

d) Cee Em said...
Wang...you're an absurd human being with no class, and no morals... but hella tizzle facial hair...

Thank God my bestfriends- not to mention housemates- have nothing but nice things to say about me. Also, I shaved my mustache out of spite; who's the absurd human being NOW?

2) UGH. We're only on #2? I'm gonna cut this shit off early. (a) - (d) saw the Wang Man consume at least half a fifth. I've got one more story I've been meaning to tell. In order to artificially lengthen the list, I'll tell it in #3. Lists with only 2 bullets are hyperlame.

3) Okay, so a few weeks after I got too drunk to handle my minimum wage clerk position at the Clark Station, I got a phonecall around midnight from my friend Chris, who lived a few houses down from me.

Chris: "Smokey Robinson?"

Anybody who knows me knows I don't love the marijuana cigarettes all that much, but that summer after Freshman year of college we were getting all high and gambling with Dave LeBluff almost everynight. I was feeling a little sick with a chest cold, and probably had the least equity there, but it was too much fun to pass up, and walking home was never a problem. So.....

Wang: "SmokeitySmokeSMOKE!!!"

Long story short: Chris got a stalk of shit from an old buddy of his, and it was... neon. I'm still convinced that shit was lace with opium or something, but it's more likely that I'm just a pussy.

We smoked a whole lot, and I instantly felt.... different.

Wang: "Ah man..... I'm going home." (<------ concise version)

When I got home, I felt just terrible. I lay on my bed and tried to sleep, with little to no success for at least an hour or so. Then, suddenly, a horse walked into the room. I'm not sure what kind, because I know/knew nothing about horses, but it was a big ass horse. I remember briefly considering whether or not it was a pony, but quickly dismissing the idea, because it was neighing at me.

Fucking horse.

Not only do you have to wander into my basement room, you feel the need to put your big fucking clod-hopping iron-clad shoes on my chest. Pushing down. MAN that makes my chest tight. I was pretty fucking out of it, but I thought I recalled that horses loved carrots.

Carrots? Carrots.

So I shrugged the fucking invasive annoying horse off of my chest, wandered upstairs to my mom's kitchen, and grabbed a bag of baby carrots. Okay, so the horse is probably still in my room. What Would Elliot From "ET" Do?

I left a trail of carrots from my door, across the basement, past the TV room, around the pool table, and out the basement door. I then proceeded to lead the horse by it's muzzle (reins?) to the backdoor, making sure it followed the trail of carrots. My plan worked perfectly, and it ate every single one. Proud of my problem solving ability, I tossed myself in bed and slept until......

WangMom: "Goodness Gracious, Derek! Why in the HELL are .... Why.... Why are there carrots all over the basement?"

Wang: ".........."


And I think that's it.