What's up, fat bitches?
After a lot of thought, I've decided to become a video game designer. My first project will be entitled "Netgear Solid." It's going to be JUST like the "Metalgear Solid" games, except instead of Snake sneaking around and killing bitches, he's just going to encounter problem after insufferable and unlikely problem with his Netgear router. That's it. That's the game. I might throw in a few awesome weapons and maybe some Russian or Chinese villians, and maybe an alien (outerspace, not illegal) or two, but that'll be mostly for distraction and perhaps replay value.
Basically, in the first level Snake wakes up in a room. He doesn't know where he is. He can't remember WHO he is. Then he takes a shower and realizes he's just really hungover, and he's in his crappy apartment. The first objective will be to walk to the kitchen cupboard and take 3-5 Ibuprofen and a multivitamin. Then, he has to go back into his room to check his email. (At this point, I think a message will pop on screen: "What are your plans for today? Perhaps you should check your email. Now where could you find a computer...?") But when he gets to his computer, he notices that his wireless ethernet card can't detect a signal. Here, Snake would muse to himself: "I wonder what the problem is? Wireless card? Router? Comcast cable?"
So now Snake has to start eliminating possible causes. There are plenty of options here, including calling Comcast and being put on hold (game over), driving to the Comcast office during lunch-hour traffic (also game over), and many others. To advance, Snake must hook his machine directly to the high-speed modem. As soon as he does so, he'll see that his internet connection is functioning perfectly, and deduce that the router has malfunctioned.
Cutscene: Snake's roommate wakes up, and says he needs to check his fantasy football results ("Today must be Monday," Snake concludes), and conduct some "important business" online. "This situation is untenable. (Snake scowls and punches his palm) This MUST be remedied."
Before leaving his apartment, Snake must pick up his router and search for the car keys he'd lost the night before (in the freezer, behind the Digiorno Microwave Pizza). Once he's collected these important items, he can leave his apartment, and get behind the wheel of his Beater car. When it starts, he immediately informs the player that the AC is busted. And it's the middle of summer! So now there are 2 obstacles to overcome:
1) Snake is so hungover and undercaffeinated that he can't remember where Best Buy is! His internet connection doesn't work so he can't look it up! He's too proud to ask for directions!
2) The car is 100+ degrees!
Snake can't drive more than a mile without passing out due to dehydration coupled with heat stroke, and- to make matters worse- maneuvering on the world map will be incredibly difficult because of his blurred vision until he finds a cup of coffee. The only possible destination is the gas station around the corner, where he must spend his last $6 on a 24oz. cup of shitty coffee, a bag of ice, and gallon of water. Once he does this, his vision will clear up, and he'll be able to head north and west until he finds the Best Buy.
"Do you have your warranty sir?" Snake now has the option of pulling out a knife or .45 and murdering every Best Buy employee in cold blood. If he does so, he's no longer able to utilize the "services" of the only Best Buy in town, and must raid a cash register for the money to afford a new router somewhere else. If he controls his anger, he can walk back to his car (vision tinged red, making driving difficult), spend 20 minutes driving home, 20 more searching for his Limited Warranty, and make the return trip to Best Buy. After haranguing with the manager for nearly an hour, he receives store credit, and exchanges his piece of shit router for a brand new one. If Snake chooses to exchange his current router for another identical Netgear router, it won't work when he gets home, and the game ends when he stabs himself in the heart out of desperate frustration.
If he chooses a different router and sets it up, his connection will function properly for a day or two before failing completely. Snake must repeat the earlier process of elimination. If he does so, he'll realize that NOW Comcast's internet service is to blame. For some reason, his connection is flailing. He can pick up the phone and dial Comcast and be put on hold (game over), or take more appropriate action.
Now we're getting near the endgame. Snake must travel to his private armory, and stock up on munitions and weapons of varying firepower. His destination? Comcast World Headquarters. In order to reign victorious, our hero must kill (or disable permanently) every important Comcast executive in the building, and place explosive charges and plastique explosives in several key locations. Once done, Snake races to the exit, escaping JUST before the building becomes a glorious towering inferno.
Then Snake goes to the bar, gets drunk, and hooks up with a fat chick.
Game Over.
Basically, in the first level Snake wakes up in a room. He doesn't know where he is. He can't remember WHO he is. Then he takes a shower and realizes he's just really hungover, and he's in his crappy apartment. The first objective will be to walk to the kitchen cupboard and take 3-5 Ibuprofen and a multivitamin. Then, he has to go back into his room to check his email. (At this point, I think a message will pop on screen: "What are your plans for today? Perhaps you should check your email. Now where could you find a computer...?") But when he gets to his computer, he notices that his wireless ethernet card can't detect a signal. Here, Snake would muse to himself: "I wonder what the problem is? Wireless card? Router? Comcast cable?"
So now Snake has to start eliminating possible causes. There are plenty of options here, including calling Comcast and being put on hold (game over), driving to the Comcast office during lunch-hour traffic (also game over), and many others. To advance, Snake must hook his machine directly to the high-speed modem. As soon as he does so, he'll see that his internet connection is functioning perfectly, and deduce that the router has malfunctioned.
Cutscene: Snake's roommate wakes up, and says he needs to check his fantasy football results ("Today must be Monday," Snake concludes), and conduct some "important business" online. "This situation is untenable. (Snake scowls and punches his palm) This MUST be remedied."
Before leaving his apartment, Snake must pick up his router and search for the car keys he'd lost the night before (in the freezer, behind the Digiorno Microwave Pizza). Once he's collected these important items, he can leave his apartment, and get behind the wheel of his Beater car. When it starts, he immediately informs the player that the AC is busted. And it's the middle of summer! So now there are 2 obstacles to overcome:
1) Snake is so hungover and undercaffeinated that he can't remember where Best Buy is! His internet connection doesn't work so he can't look it up! He's too proud to ask for directions!
2) The car is 100+ degrees!
Snake can't drive more than a mile without passing out due to dehydration coupled with heat stroke, and- to make matters worse- maneuvering on the world map will be incredibly difficult because of his blurred vision until he finds a cup of coffee. The only possible destination is the gas station around the corner, where he must spend his last $6 on a 24oz. cup of shitty coffee, a bag of ice, and gallon of water. Once he does this, his vision will clear up, and he'll be able to head north and west until he finds the Best Buy.
"Do you have your warranty sir?" Snake now has the option of pulling out a knife or .45 and murdering every Best Buy employee in cold blood. If he does so, he's no longer able to utilize the "services" of the only Best Buy in town, and must raid a cash register for the money to afford a new router somewhere else. If he controls his anger, he can walk back to his car (vision tinged red, making driving difficult), spend 20 minutes driving home, 20 more searching for his Limited Warranty, and make the return trip to Best Buy. After haranguing with the manager for nearly an hour, he receives store credit, and exchanges his piece of shit router for a brand new one. If Snake chooses to exchange his current router for another identical Netgear router, it won't work when he gets home, and the game ends when he stabs himself in the heart out of desperate frustration.
If he chooses a different router and sets it up, his connection will function properly for a day or two before failing completely. Snake must repeat the earlier process of elimination. If he does so, he'll realize that NOW Comcast's internet service is to blame. For some reason, his connection is flailing. He can pick up the phone and dial Comcast and be put on hold (game over), or take more appropriate action.
Now we're getting near the endgame. Snake must travel to his private armory, and stock up on munitions and weapons of varying firepower. His destination? Comcast World Headquarters. In order to reign victorious, our hero must kill (or disable permanently) every important Comcast executive in the building, and place explosive charges and plastique explosives in several key locations. Once done, Snake races to the exit, escaping JUST before the building becomes a glorious towering inferno.
Then Snake goes to the bar, gets drunk, and hooks up with a fat chick.
Game Over.
posted by Derek at 1:52 PM
2 Comments:
This seems a lot like those old text-based adventure games, but a lot less frustrating.
I'm probably not going to be updating The Dutch Factor for a few months, but I will be setting up a new account for The Pizza Boy Diaries (If you don't know what I'm talking about, you need to check out what's going on on FCP. It shows a fuller extent of depravity than I've ever displayed before). Tell your friends.
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