"I, Macintosh"

So the other day, I finally got fed up with my crappy and stupid router (see: Netgear Solid), so my roommate Chris and I decided to stroll down to Best Buy and get a new one.

We found a router. We were getting ready to leave.

Chris: "Hey, that looks cool."

Derek: "Yeah, iMacs are so much sweeter than crappy Dells. Dude! I want to firebomb my Dell!"

Chris: (thinks for a few moments) "Alright, I think I'll buy it."

Derek: (speechless) "I'm speechless..."

Chris: "Think I should get it?"

Derek: "Well, what are you going to use it for? You've already got a laptop that was nearly top of the line when you bought it less than a year ago."

Chris: "I dunno. Prolly just poker."

Derek: "Where are you gonna put it?"

Chris: "Dining room table."

Derek: "Dining roo- what? We don't have a dining room."

Chris: (shrugs) "Whatever, just the table between the kitchen counter and the couches and shit."

Derek: "The poker table? You're going to set your computer up on the poker table...."

Chris: "Yeah. It'll be appropriate."

Derek: "Because you're mostly going to use the computer for poker."

Chris: "Yup. And the internet. It'll be convenient."

Derek: "You never play poker because you're rich and lazy; you have a laptop you put in your lap on the couch while you watch TV. How can an iMac possibly be more convenient?"

Chris: "Man, look how fucking CRISP that monitor is!"


So we went to Best Buy to snag a router, and The Beatman snagged a kickass iMac on a whim. Most people would pay with a Credit Card, or a Check/Debit Card. Not Chris. Chris, why don't you just go to the bank and get a Check Card, man? It's like cash, but you don't have to carry cash around. "Naw, it'd take way too long." Chris, it takes, like, ten minutes to order one. And a week- maybe 10 days at the absolute most- to get it delivered. Oh, and they'll give you a temporary card to use until the big dog comes. "Yeah, but what if it takes twenty minutes? I'd have a nervous breakdown, I think..."

So Chris was going to pay in cash. However, he required a small favor.

Beat: "Hey, Derek? How much cash you got on you?"

Wang: "I dunno, man. Not much. I think I've got like a hunny, maybe a little less. Yeah, like point-nine hundo... I don't really have enough to help out with the com-"

Beat: "What's the router? Like 70 bucks?"

Wang: "Yeah, a little more than 74, after tax."

Beat: "Can you do me a favor? Cover that and I'll get you back when we get home?"

Wang: "...sure. You've got enough to cover the iMac on you?"

Beat: "Yeah, just barely. I knew I should've been carrying more cash."

Wang: "That's exactly what I was thinking..."

So we load up the i(mpromptu)Mac, and drive home. Chris was feeling positively ebullient, excited about his new purchase.


Him: "I've got an idea. Let's clean the whole fucking apartment."

Me: "It's in pretty good shape. We've just got some pizza boxes, some trash that needs to be taken out, some cans that nee-"

Him: (evile laugh, with an evile look in his eyes) "My room's a little messy; there are quite a few boxes in there."

Me: "Yeah, your room's a bit of a sty, but I don't know if I really feel up to wading through The Swamp. You've got enough beer cases, pizza boxes, and random containers in there to keep a fire going for 3 days."

Him: (super evile look in his eyes) "Naw... I bet it'll be like 3 hours."

Me: (resigned) "Aw, fuck... we've got a fireplace, don't we?"

So we gathered all the fucking paper and cardboard trash in the house and put it in front of the living room fireplace; I'd try to explain how much there was, but nobody would believe it without seeing it, and I didn't have the foresight to take a picture for posterity. We established a Natural Light case-base, and found a Detroit Free Press from more than a year ago to use as kindling; within moments the fire was raging. Then the real work began. We rotated positions, one of us tearing strips of cardboard/paper/whatever, the other feeding it into the inferno.

We got through about half the pile- both of us dripping in sweat from the exertion, stress, and heat- before the glass gate on the fireplace shattered into a few thousand pieces. Very well-constructed fireplace, Shitty Apartment Complex; I'm very glad to see it's not JUST the AirConditioning that's subpar.

So now, somehow, I'm roped into taking all the awkward boxes and random garbage from Chris's room to the dumpster. (shrug) I suppose that's not too much to ask, though: I'm publishing this from his brand new iMac, while I watch the X-Files on his 40" flatscreen LCD TV. I have a feeling I'm getting the best of it...