Musings

I've been doing some pretty aggressive link-click-based web-navigating the last 24 hours, and I've come to a few conclusions. In typical Wang form, I shall prepare a list:

1) My blog kinda sucks. Instead of rehashing old stories like your friend's pathetic dad who never got out of town and wishes he didn't botch that play in in the regional quarters football game some 25 years ago, I should probably keep the blog a little more current. And when I DO tak about current-events, I should probably challenge myself a little by gravitating away from my anecdotal style of writing. I'm slightly concerned that nobody gives a fuck what I have to say, however. Wait, who am I kidding? Of course nobody gives a fuck what I have to say, but when has that stopped me?

2) Some old friends of mine, with whom I have no contact anymore (it's a long story even I can't explain, but I'm sure the lesson contained therein closely resembles "Derek is an idiot"), are doing some pretty incredible things with their lives.

-A kid I went to highschool with is, get this, in the Peace Corps. I lived with him in college for a few years, and he's always been pretty near the top of "People for whom I have an unbelieveable amount of respect" list. He's always been altruistic to the bone, which is pretty impressive for anyone, let alone someone in his late-teens through early-twenties. I've been growing less and less cynical lately (maybe), and I'm increasingly floored by the rare GoodPerson. This guy was a FantasticPerson, in all respects. Now he's in a 3rd world country for 2 years, virtually alone, teaching in a language he doesn't have full command of. And I pat myself on the back when I give the Bums outside BumMarket 2 quarters instead of one.

- Two former friends who I once vainly considered my intellectual equals are at law school at Emory. Brilliant guys both, though in different respects. There's no doubt that they'll both be mega-successful in whatever fields they choose to enter. I consider my day a success when I make a few thin value bets on the river.

- Another former friend is attending some stupid-impressive GradProgram at Vanderbilt, pursuing the path he set off on years ago. I can't book my ticket to Vegas on time, and he's fulfilling promises he made to himself years and years in advance.

- The PartyMonster just got a job in Houston, Texas. Nobody I've ever met lived to even half the level of excess that this guy did. Gregarious in every sense of the word, he didn't miss a single iota of the college experience, but still managed to fly through Michigan's engineering school and get an Electrical Engineering and Computer Science (EECS) degree. The Wangman pretty much flunked out of school because he was too lazy to go to is 11AM classes. Advantage? PartyMonster.

- The smartest kid I know signed a contract for some businessy-type-firm in Chicago. Like me, he rarely turned down a drink when I knew him. Unlike me, he rolled out of bed and beat the living shit out of his Michigan B-School classes. If he wants to, he'll parlay his charm, razor-sharp mind, and dashing good looks into an high-executive (and I do mean hiiiiiigh) position someday, wherever he wants. If he doesn't, he'll just do something else and be equally successful.

- One of my former neighbors is about to move to San Diego to go to law-school. Fucking San Diego, man.

I could go on, but it would really just be more of the same. Pretty much everyone I called friend as of 2 or 3 years ago would be considered by any standard wildly successful. It's a real testament to my quality as a human being that I had to find out about all of this via the public record, reading old friends' blogs, slinking around anonymously like a fucking thief. I used to wonder why each and every one of these people cut bait, but when I thought about it objectively, it's really not much of a mystery at all. I hate to use the same tired metaphor, but it's pretty appropriate in this instance: in order to be successful, you've got to know when to release your dog hands. If anything, most of these people gave me one-too-many chances to improve.

3) I suppose this could be (2a), but the thought arrived wholly separately: I am an awful human being. I joke about that alot, but many a truth is hidden in jest. I don't think I'm willing to delve too deeply into my admittedly fragile psyche right now- and if I were, I don't think I'd share it here (- but I'm certain of what I'd find if I stripped away the countless layers of lame rhetoric: incomparable weakness, cowardice, and hypocrisy. I've lied to myself too long about my character. Maybe it seems backwards, but I feel like the first step towards being honest with myself is being unflinchingly honest with the others. Maybe if I have to work that much harder to convince others of my worth, instead of falling back on glibness and an ability to manipulate peoples' opinions of me until it is too late, I'll end up unwittingly convincing myself of the same.

So, how's that for a Shimmering Wang blog entry? That entire thing was pretty much 100% stream of conciousness, and I'm not going to go back and read it before I publish it. Sorry if it's completely off the wall compared to my usual lighthearted shit, but sometimes you have to write things for yourself. I don't expect anyone to appreciate anything written in this entry, but if there's some slim chance it affects me, I'm willing to roll the dice.

I'll have something funny tomorrow...